COOL JOKES

  THE 18 YEAR OLD BOY
A drunk 18 year old boy asked a
married
woman out, the woman got
pissed &
told her husband..
The husband told her to invite the boy so
dat he can beat the hell out of
him.
The woman did what her
husband
requested as he was hidding under the bed...
When the boy got there, he
took off his t-
shirt and his body was full of
scars..this
made the woman to asked,"why have U so
many scars?"
The boy replied,"I my job is to
lay married
women & usually I get caught
so I kill the husbands, if someone shows up
now he
will be number 20 on my
murder list...The
boy continued, as
the woman tried to reach out her
husband under the bed, a small
voice
came up,"If U tell him am here,
U ll
see!!.. 

 Some simple truths
 

1. Gari has no advert but it sells
more than Indomie.
2. No matter how Nike sandals
sell, e no fit sell pass bathroom
slippers.
3. If u never stole meat from
your mom's soup, it means she
never cooked.
4. A girl who laughs at your dry
jokes during your 1st date
doesn't have transport fare back home.
5. "It's a small world" doesn't
mean u can walk from Nigeria to
Australia.
6. black girls can easily get away
with murder cause the police gonna find a hair at the crime
scene and track it back to a girl
in Brazil
7. If the alarm of a China phone
can't wake u up, forget! U are
dead!!!
8. Lean on me no mean say
press me make I die
9. If u don't believe that God
exists, that doesn't mean God
doesn't exist
10. Love they say is blind but the eyes of the players are usually
wide open
11. maturity they say comes with
age but age sometimes comes
alone
12. No gal is single...is either u snatched her from some1 or u
re sharing her with some 1...what matters most is being d
HIGHEST SHARE HOLDER           

  HEY

E get one particular restaurant
wey i dey chop 4 GRA,
E get one oyibo wey
dey always come chop there
too... Any tym dis oyibo chop finish he
go shout '' Hey'',so I
wonder wetin dey make am
shout, i decide to chop wetin d
oyibo dey always chop so maybe
me self go shout too..
when i reach d restaurant last wk friday, i order wetin d man
dey chop..
Dem tell me say na chicken &
red wine, so i
chop am,
but i no shout, i colet xtra plate,
but i stil no shout..
na then i just
vex ask 4 my bill. D waiter tell me
say one plate of chicken & red wine na N75,000 then d xtra
plate na another N75,000.... na then
i shout hey hey hey
hey,
I still dey shout till
now..

   JOB INTERVIEW

Officer: What is your name?
Matome : MP
Officer: Please tell me properly
Matome : Matome PHaahla
Officer: Who is your father?
Matome : MP sir. Officer: Meaning?
Matome : Mthembu PHaahla
Officer: Where do you live?
Matome : At MP sir
Officer: Mpumalanga
Matome: No, its Minna Port sir
Officer: What are your
qualifications?
Matome : I have MP sir Officer: (angrily) Talk
straighthere,
um not playing! What's that?
Matome : Matric Pass sir.
Officer: So why do you need a
job?
Matome: (sadly) MP sir Officer: Jerrrrrrr! Meaning?
Matome : Money Problem sir
Officer: I will get back to you
Matome : So how was MP sir?
Officer: And what's that again?
Matome : My Performance
Officer: It was MP
Matome : Meaning?
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
..
Officer: Mental Problem!!!!

Collection of Akpos jokes

AKPOS & FRIEND      

   AKPOS: I Have Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Yahoo, Tumblr, Msn, Skype and G-Talk.
FRIEND: Dude, do you have a life?
AKPOS: OMG! No! Send me the link

  AKPORS THE PILOT

Akpors was doing his job cleaning the pilot's cockpit in an aeroplance, when he saw a book titled, “How to fly an aeroplane for beginners, Vol. 1 ". He opened the first page which said; "To start the engine, please press the red button". He did so and the airplane engine started! He was pleased and opened the next page. "To set airplane moving, please press the blue button". He did so and the plane started moving at an amazing speed! He wanted to fly, so he opened the 3rd page which said; "To fly the airplane, please press the green button". He did so and the plane started flying!!! He was so happy. After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land. He opened to the 4th page and it read; "To learn how to land a plane, please watch out for Volume 2!!

 AKPOS AND CHICHI 

Imagine this conversation...
Chichi: Do you smoke?
Akpors: Yes....
Chichi: How many packs a day?
Akpors: 3 packs.
Chichi: How much per pack?
Akpors: N200.
Chichi: And how long have you been smoking?
Akpors: For 15 years.
Chichi: So, one pack costs N200, and you have 3
packs a day, which puts your spending each month
at N18,000. In one year, it would be N216,000
correct?
Akpors: Correct.
Chichi: If in one year you spend N216,000 not
accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your
spending at over N3,000,000 correct?
Akpors: Correct.
Chichi: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that
money could have been put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now
easily bought a brand new Range Rover HSE Sport?
Akpors: Do you smoke?
Chichi: No.
Akpors: So where's your Range Rover HSE Sport then?

         


AKPOS IN A BUS
On a bus going from
Ibadan to Lagos, the
phone of a girl sitting
close to me rang she
picks it and said
"Honey, I'm in a bus going to Abuja for the
burial, I'll call you when
I get there".
Another girl's phone
rang, she said
"Sweetheart I'm on my way to Port-
Harcourt for the
Masters Degree Form,
pls send me Credit for
the trip."
Another one's phone rang, she said..."Alhaji,
sorry I'm on my way
to Owerri for the
interview, I'll call you
later."
Akpors who was sitting at the back of
the bus suddenly
raises his voice in
anger "Driver stop
please park! Park this
bus! Where exactly is this bus going to!!!?"
                   
AKPOS AND THE TEACHER
Akpos was in the classroom
when his teacher gave a
class work that everybody in
class should draw a goat
eating grass. When they all
finished drawing they submitted
... their work for the teacher
to mark, while the teacher
was
marking Akpos' work, he
noticed that there was nothing on the
drawing book. So he called
Akpos to ask why he left the
drawing
book blank. Akpos replied
and said "Maybe the goat has finish
eating the grass and went
away.
      
  JAMB

 Papa Akpors: Akpos,I learnt your JAMB
result is out.
Akpors: Daddy You
rememberJohn wey dey carryfirst for our
whole school? he failed...
Papa Akpors:that's terrible,what happened?
Akpors: You
also remember Paul wey dey teach me for
house? He failed too.
Papa Akpors: what's
causing the poor performance?
Akpors:Daddy I don't know, na so e be o. Even
Kelvin who won the Cowbell competition
failed too.
Papa Akpors: so how was your
own result?
Akpors: You also remember
OKON, our senior prefect? Hefailed.Papa
Akpors: (Angrily) Boy, Tell meabout your
own result!!
Akpors : (angrily) If all those
people failed, wetin You expect for my own
result?? I be witch?
ONE WORD FOR AKPOS??!!

 AKPOS THE FACEBOOKER 

Teacher: What will you do
after growing up?
Akpors:Facebooking
Teacher: No! I mean what
will you become?
Akpors: Admin of
facebook pages
Teacher: Oh my God! I mean
what are your goals?
Akpors: Facebook Admin
Rights
Teacher: ! I Mean what will
you do for your parents?
Akpors: I'll create a page for
them on facebook "I love
mom AnD dad"
Teacher: silly! What do your
parents want from you?
Akpors: My facebook
password
Teacher: Oh God! What is the
purpose of your life?
Akpors: Facebook but never
face a book.

        
AKPOS THE BOKO HARAM

Two boko Haram boys, Habib & Akpos are making letter bombs.

Akpos: “I’m not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it.”

Habib: “Well, then open it and look.”

Akpos: “But if I open it, it will explode!”

Habib: “Don’t be stupid – it’s not addressed to you!

Akpos: “You are right, the address on the envelope is not my address”.

#Akpos opens the envolope and............

   AKPOS AND PAPA EMEKA

Papa: Papa Emeka is coming to
collect d money i owed him.
When he comes, tell him i have
traveled. U hear??
Akpos: yes Papa.
Papa Emeka entered: Akpos
where is ur father??
Akpos: he has travelled.
Papa Emeka: when is he coming
bak?
Akpors: wait, let me go and ask
him?
(Akpos went inside, open d bak of
d door and said): Papa,
papa Emeka said when are u
coming bak??
Papa: tell him next week.
Akpos ran bak and said: Papa
Emeka, my dady said i should
tell u dat he wil be bak next week.
Papa Emeka: ok, go and tell him
dat if he comes bak next
week, he should let me know.
The Question is: WHO IS MORE
FOOLISH??

 JOB INTERVIEW
INTERVIEWER: Tell me the opposite of good. AKPOS: Bad. INTERVIEWER: Come. AKPOS: Go. INTERVIEWER: Ugly. AKPOS: Fine. INTERVIEWER: You are wrong! AKPOS: You are right! INTERVIEWER: Shut up! AKPOS: Keep talking! INTERVIEWER: Ok now stop all that. AKPOS: Ok now carry on all that. INTERVIEWER: Get out! AKPOS: Come in! INTERVIEWER: Oh my GOD. AKPOS: Oh my devil. INTERVIEWER: You are rejected. AKPOS: I'm selected.

   Akpos and the lecturer

Akpos, a Ghanian, just got admission into one of the Nigerian institutions. At the first day of lecture, the following conversation erupted….. The Lecturer said, “let’s begin by reviewing some Nigerian history.” The Lecturer asked who said, “I shall return to die in the land of my fathers?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Akpos,who had his hand up. Akpos replied: “King Jaja of Opobo, 1875″”very good! ” said lecturer. Then, she asked again, who said, “The land use act will feed the nation?” Again, no response except from Akpos:”Obasanjo , 1976.”The Lecturer snapped at the class; “class, you should be ashamed. Akpos, who is new to our Country, knows more about our history than you do.”


 The Lecturer heard a loud whisper:”Ghana must go”. “who said that?” shedemanded, Akpos put his hand up,”Buhari 1984.” At that point, a student at the back scornfully said;”Hmmm, you think you are smart?” The Lecturer glared and asked; “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, ­Akpos said,”Babangida ­ to Abiola,1992.” Hmmm, a Student at the back smilled “I dey laugh ooh” Akpos smiled back and said Obasanjo to Atiku 2001. Now furious, another student yelled;”Oh yeah! Eat this!” Akpos jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer,”India n mistress giving anapple to Abacha, 1998″ Now, with almost mob hyseria, someone said; “You little poo.

If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Akpos frantically yelled at the top of his voice; “Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!” The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said; “Oh poo, we’re in Big trouble now!” Akpos whispered; “Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007″ Someone angrily said; “Don't answer him, he is a fool” Akpos smiled nd replied; “Obansanjo to IBB, 2011″ Now, the Lecturer managed to get up and asked Akpos; pls, who’re you? Show your self.. Akpos jumped, yelled and said; Jonathan to BOKO HARAM, 2012 lols

                                               

    That's My Chicken- Akpos And The Chicken

 A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

              

 A LETTER FROM MAMA TOLU TO ENGLISH TEACHER| 

 Dear teaser, I am greet you but it is not with all
my heart that i have do it. But teaser why, this ya
act is very idiomatic expression. Why did you
give my pikin tolu 3 over 10 in English? I have
crossed check her work thoroughly&have­ see
that what she has write it dey very correct. So now, what make you givam this small mark? Ah
teaser, I am dey very dismantled in you, Don't
you know dat i teaser her english day by
night&she has know well well! So why the shamu
shamu mark? Okay, you're jealous her becos in
this her small age, she has know what you were'nt know when you were dey like this! Let me put paragraph.

Ehen, better delete&remark her paper as i dey
see you so oh or else if i come on the two of
december, the headmaster will hear it.

Yours vexation, Mama Tolu

  Akpos and the two men

 Akpos was being chase by
two men for one of his
Numerous Chrime.
On d spot Akpos ran into
the forest and the men
followed him.
Akpos got into d forest and
climbed the a tree, The
Two men got to the tree
where Akpos was and did
not knw where he ran to.
Angrily one of the men
retorted 'This boy has
escaped again'
His colleague replied 'I
know him if i call his Name
3 times, he wil ansa me!
On hearing this Akpos burst
laugh from the tree and
said to the men:
Hahahah if you like call my
name from now till next
year, i will not ansa you, do
u think am the akpos of
last year?

 Akpos and papa 

AKPOS: Papa when I go HEAVEN,
I go ask Mama
why she Died so Soon..

PAPA: What if she dey HELL?..

AKPOS: Na u go ask her be that....... Good 

 Akpos in class room

 At school, Akpos was told by a
classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret,
and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know
the whole truth" even when you
don't know anything.
Akpos decides to go home and try
it out. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says,
"I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him #500
and says, "Just don't tell your
father." Quite pleased, akpos
waits for his father to get home
from work, and greets him with,
"I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him #1000
and says, "Please don't say a word
to your mother." Very pleased,
akpos is on his way to school the
next day, when he sees the
mailman at his front door. Akpos
greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says,
"Then come give your FATHER a
big hug!"

Dirty joke

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